i think my tv is drunk
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
