This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong