Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
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