Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
