Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
