Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
