The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
