guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
