dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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