I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
