he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
