Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
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I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
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It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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