you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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