All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
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All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
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On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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