drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
