Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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