I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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