Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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