either way he was missing a nipple.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
