Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
