Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
