Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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