shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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