I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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