i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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