Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
