Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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