Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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