drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
smell my finger.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Naked Twister starts at high noon
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
