i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
