What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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