This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
