First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
