OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
