you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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