New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
