Someone shit on the floor
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
