Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
