i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
