I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
