You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
