2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
