I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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