Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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