Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
