im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
