Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
