I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
