I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
