He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
