you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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