Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
