You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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