I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
