Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
