just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
