I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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