Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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