You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
