you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
